I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
