do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
