i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
