All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
