I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
