Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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