Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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