Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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