I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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