This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
No subtext here. People are naked.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
