i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
