I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
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There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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