just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
