I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
