can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
