i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
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the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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