You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
