If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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