I cut my penus on the lid.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
