I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
