That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Too much gin, very little bucket
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
