I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
