girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
