that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
