There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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