I can text with my tongue
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
