Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
