Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
