He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i've created a new STD.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
