I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
