I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
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Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
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He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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