I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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