Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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