that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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