I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
