What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
