sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
