I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
