If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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