trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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