i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
