How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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