I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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