Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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