wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
