Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
