I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
