you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
