I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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