You're my little dorito
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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