True but thats because hes a fetus.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
