im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
