My friends, they love my intelligence
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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