I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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