Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
