This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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