I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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