So drunk its hurt
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
